Motherfucking Miracles
by ChookChook
Summary: It has been a month since everyone got back to their respective planets. Things have returned to normal excepts for one troll, Gamzee find himself ridden with guilt and alone. A bit angsty, Rated T for language and whatnot
1. Slime & Faygo

**AN: So.. this is my first story so I'm not really sure if the pacing and whatnot is good but yeah, I hope you enjoy it :) This first chapter is a bit on the uneventful side but don't worry, There will be something more exciting in the next chapter.**

The daylight slowly crawled closer to the horizon. Gamzee thought that he should probably go to sleep, Or atleast inside the house. But he didn't really feel like it.

Well, He supposed he didn't feel like doing much much these days, As depressing as it sounded.

He sighed heavily and looked at the sea, It's pitch-black water seemed fitting for his current mood but he could see a hint of purple just above the horizon. Yeah, He should definitively get inside, Sunlight could blind a troll and while he couldn't say he cared much about his current well-being turning blind just because he was too lazy to get off his ass and walk a few yards was just sad.

His mind subconsciously jumped to Terezi, If he turned blind maybe she could teach him to smell and lick things or whatever she did. He humored the thought for a few seconds before he got inside, Yeah, Not going to happen.

He didn't really want to get in touch with his friends right now.

Gamzee went inside his house and collapsed on the couch. It had been about a month since they all came back from Skaia.

He wasn't sure how the other had managed to do it but Alternia was as good as in the same state as before, Same good old dark, unforgiving atmosphere pressing down on him.

He couldn't help to think back to his time in The Land of Tents and Mirth, Everything had been so colorful and so carefree, Or atleast from his point of view.

Sure enough, He had been high out of his mind at that point but it was a good memory nonetheless.

He couldn't say he remembered a lot from the game, He wasn't even sure how the other had managed to get him and the other's back to life, As far as he had followed Feferi had something to do with it, Or was it the whole Scratch-thingie?

He couldn't remember. Of course the others had provided him with a endless supply of sopor pies which had certainly affected his memory, Everything he could remember after he died was just a fuzzy blur.

He couldn't say he blamed them, If he was in their spot he didn't even know if he would have allowed himself to live.

He wasn't sure what the other of his old friends where up to. He assumed that Feferi were somewhere down in the sea being an empress or was it an empress in training?..

Gamzee couldn't quite remember which one it was. Yeah, Everyone was probably continuing on with their everyday lives, He mused.

Karkat was probably still being all angry in his room, Chatting on Trollian or whatnot. Gamzee had to admit he kind of missed his little ranting memos but he had pretty much isolated himself from everyone since they got back.

Being alone was easier than facing his inner demons, Easier than going outside and talk to someone.

He didn't want to meet with any of the victims of his insanity, Just the thought of facing Nepeta or Equius scared him shitless, As much as he hated to admit it.

The memories of his murderous rampage still haunted him. He was used to his memories being somewhat fuzzy but still pleasant, The effects of the sopor slime. He'd never really minded it, It was just the way it was.

The sky was black, One moon was purple and the other one green and Gamzee Makara had the memory of a grub.

But his memories from the few hours he had been completely sober was horrifying, They were so sharp and .. _real._

It didn't matter how many pies he ate, Nothing seemed to dull the painful memories.

He could still hear the strangled grunts from Equius, He could still see the splatter of green as he hit Nepeta, He still motherfucking felt the cold metal as he drew and wrote on the walls.

His hand curled up into a fist by the thought, _Fuck_. He had no idea how to deal with it all.

Still, That reality of it all made it strangely entrancing.

He had to admit it the strange sensation of power was addictive. After all, His title of subjuggulator gave him the freedom of doing almost anything he wanted and combined with his inner psychopath, almost made going on a killing spree the most favorable option.

Almost.. but he knew very well that he would rather die than to put himself and his friend through that again.

Of course, Right now he knew better, Sopor pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Kept him nice and calm, and pretty spaced out for the matter.

He was used to it, Though it wasn't the same as before. Life wasn't all miracles and Faygo anymore, Though he sill drank the sugary beverages, It was a habit that was hard to break.

The whole murderous rampage thing kept his psyche on it's toes, While normally he wouldn't be able to form form coherent point at this point anything regarding the "accident" was crystal clear.

It was the only thing he was able to focus on and it slowly but surely grinded down his sanity. He barely felt it but he could sense it slowly wearing thinner.

He had to escape this house, He couldn't quite remember the last time he had went outside, Or when someone had visited last

He had a vague memory of Karkat and Terezi visiting but that could very well be before they even entered the medium.

He knew what he needed, A long walk on the beach.

Going outside was probably not the wisest thing right now, The sun had probably risen by now. A walk was a really stupid idea.

Gamzee wasn't quite sure of what to do, but he knew for sure that he had grown tired of staring at the walls. Due to the lack of anything productive to do he fiugred that he might as well try to get some sleep.

He turned twisted and turned in the couch, Trying to find a comfortable position but nothing felt quite right.

He threw a glance at the stairs, He could go to his room and his Recuracoon, It was probably a lot more comfortable than the couch.

Yeah, Seemed like a good plan, He needed a break from all the thinking and dreaming for that matter.

He began moving towards the stairs, Then a sudden noise broke the silence. A noise he really didn't want to hear right now. A loud **HONK** echoed through the house, Gamzee flinched by the sudden noise.

The horns needed to go, Reminded him of certain things he didn't want to talk about. He should reallyt throw them away.. Later.. Right now he needed sleep.

He stumbled up the stairs, It felt like the house was moing under his feet.. **HONK**, The noise startled him and he lost his balance. He tumbled down the stairs.

**HONK**. He landed on another horn, The sharp metal dug into his back. He hissed between his teeth at the unexpected pain. He groaned as he got up on his feet.

Yeah, those horns needed to go. Once again he walked up the stairs, Now more careful with where he put his feet.

He made it to his room relatively unharmed. He looked over at his Recuracoon, It had never looked more tempting than now.

He slipped out of his shoes but didn't bother with any other articles of clothing. He was way too tired. He almost faceplanted into the coccoon, The warm and sticky embrace of the slime was surprisingly comforting.

He could kind of see why he ate it. Though he didn't have much time to ponder about it, He fell asleep in a matter of seconds.


	2. Pietins & Showers

**Soo, this chapter took a while and I'm sorry for that D: It's really long too but I hope you'll be able to** **make it through this wall of text. I was thinking of splitting this into two chapter but I think the flow is better like this. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it**

Tavros was nervous, He wasn't going to deny it. If his legs would still be attached to his waist his knees would undoubtedly be shaking. Luckily, that wasn't the case. His legs were now made of steel and bolts, Unfaltering and stiff.

He could walk again and he didn't look too weird doing it either. Equius was really good at those robot-things. Though none of that mattered right now, He was standing outside Gamzee's hive.

He was scared, He was worried about his friend but he had heard of his.. Little freak out. No one had had visited Gamzee so no one knew about his current mental state. Still, Tavros didn't want to think that his old friend was crazy.

The Gamzee he knew would never do such things. But maybe Gamzee had changed, Maaybe he'd actually turned into a bloodthristy monster, Just the thought of it scared him shitless.

Either way there was no way of knowing that before he had met the subjuggalator himself.

So now he stood there like an idiot outside his door, He couldn't quite bring himself to knock. He bit his lip,"Come on, We can do this" He said, Partly to himself and partly to Rufio.

This was stupid. He couldn't even knock on a door to check in on his friend, For all he knew Gamee could be laying face drowning one of his pies, drowning.

It wouldn't surprise him and he could very well be dying inside that door, Yeah, He had to atleast knock on the door. But if Gamzee was drowning, he wouldn't be able to open the door.. Right? So knocking was futile.

Tavros frowned, He needed to stop thinking and just do it. He reached out is arm and first now he noticed it was shaking too. Damn, Does it have to be this hard?

He tried to ignore his shaking limbs and cautiously knocked on the door but he immediately regretted it. He doubted it could be heard from the inside. Aww, This was just pathetic.

_Just open the door, You can do it!_ He tried to imagine Rufio's voice in his head. Rufio was right, He took a deep breath. Tried to calm himself down and opened the door.

The stench was the first thing that met him, A breeze scented by rotting sopor slime and spilled Faygo hit him like a punch to the face.

He frowned as he saw the mess inside. He had been to Gamzee's house once or twice before and it had never been tidy or clean, Nor had Tavros expected it to be now but this was much worse than earlier.

Both empty and filled pie tins were strewn across the room, Their content had spilled onto the floor and created a strange pattern of green stains on the floor.

Tipped over Faygo bottles were not a rare sight either, Just as the pie tins their contents had spilled onto the floor. The multicolored stains from the soda strangely complimented the green ones.

Various household items laid on the floor as well, The whole thing was such a mess it was hard to focus on a single object but Tavros didn't mind the mess.

He just wanted to find Gamzee. He quickly made his way through the minefield of various items and substances of questionable origins.

He checked every room on the bottom floor but no sign of Gamzee. He was getting more and more worried after each empty room.

Soon he realized there was only one place left to check. Upstairs. He felt a sting of hesitation in his chest.

It wasn't like he couldn't walk up stairs like before, He had mastered the vertical deathtraps by now but he couldn't really say tat the many times he had tumbled down them on the meteor left him completely unharmed, mentally.

He still found himself a bit hesistant even to this day. Still, He stepped up the stairs barley no hesitation, He was quite worried at this point.

It suddenly occurred to him that he never had been on the upper floor in Gamzee's house. Understandable since until recently he had been stuck in a four-wheeled device.

But now he felt lost, He could only assume that the upper floor was as big as the ground floor and it was a very big house. He felt his confidence sink even more and the panic crawling up his spine.

He wanted to get out of here as quickly as possible, Away from the stench, Away from the mess.

But not without Gamzee. He walked up the stairs with a newly found determination.

First room was empty, Save themess much like the ones in the other rooms. He quickly moved onto the next.. and next.. and next.

His panic grew as he continued down the hallway. At the fifth door he was thinking that Gamzee maybe had left the house which only made him more worried.

Considering he lived next to the sea and quite a big forest, Tavros couldn't help but think of the possibilities, he could be drowning, Or mauled to death by some monster.. Or drowning..

The latter would be worst since Tavros would be sinking like rock in water. He could probably handle a monster or two, Sgrub had forced him to become tougher but deep water, He was defenseless against that.

He turned the handle with his head still ful of thoughts of a drowning Gamzee. Though all those thought blew away as soon as he saw the mess inside.

The room was just as messy as the rest of the house but there was something that caught his attention in this one. A troll's torso was hanging out from the recuperacoon, Tavros ran up to the troll to identify the troll though he already knew who it was.

Gamzee Makara's grinning face greeted him. Tavros wasn't really sure how to react. It was obvious that Gamzee was under the effects of Sopor slime, He was barely able to focus on Tavros, his eyes was constantly jolting between his face and the ceiling.

Gamzee had .. Changed. His facial features were the same, Those were pretty hard to change after all. But now that Gamzee lacked his usual white face paint it was if a crucial part of him was lacking..

His face wasn't empty for that matter, Three diagonal scars now adorned his face. Three thin lines of silver, Tavros looked at them. He realized how close Gamzee had been to losing an eye but he couldn't help but to wonder how he'd gotten them.

He supposed he could ask Karkat or something but he doubted he would get a straight answer. Mentioning Gamzee was a bit of a taboo right now...

Tavros couldn't quite see why but he didn't really feel like sitting through one of his screaming rants again

**"Uuhh.. Gamzee, How much sime.. did you eat?"** Tavros asked. No answer, Just gurgling and a bit of drooling. and Tavros was somehow relieved, Gamzee was alive, High as a kite but alive.

He didn't seem to be the homicidal maniac that Karkat and the others had described to him.

No, This was pretty much normal Gamzee behavior if you disregarded the fact that he was much higher than Tavros had seen him before.

**"Uhh, Gamzee? Are you alright?"** Tavros asked, Concerned about his friends well-being.

Gamzee had lost track of time.. Everything was spinning, The world was flashing in colors he had never seen before and he had to admit it was pretty awesome.

Still, He couldn't focus on all the awesome stuff going on around him. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened o that meteor.

Although his mind was racing between painful memories his body was completely relaxed. It was a rather odd feeling but Gamzee was okay with it. The chaos inside his mind were nicely contained in a corner of his brain.

They were still there and as vivid as ever but it seemed like he had found a nice amount of slime to help keep himself relaxed, He hadn't felt this good since.. Sometime.

He saw a shadow towering above him but he wasn't scared, He was way to drugged up to even care. The silhouette said something to him but he didn't listen. The words coming out of his mouth seemed alien somehow.

Then Gamzee began to study the contours of the shadow. It moved and blurred randomly but Gamzee started to make sense of it. It was quite tall, From his point of view at least.

It seemed like he had horns, A troll? It moved around to quickly, Gamzee could barely see it now. He needed to get closer. He pulled himself out of the cocoon and got on is feet.

The house was still moving under his feet, Just like yesterday but he didn't trip this time but he still felt unstable. He reached out his hand in an attempt to grab the shadow, He needed to know if it was a solid object or just a hallucination.

He felt his hand against warm fabric, skin and he though me might have poked an eye somewhere, This was either another troll or he'd ingested some really potent slime.

He would prefer that the former was the case. Though he couldn't trust his eyes, Everything was distorted and blurry.

Normally he would sit back, relax and enjoy the show but it had been so long since he had been in the company of another sentient being. **"Uhh.. Gamzee, What are you doing?"** the voice again, Gamzee recognized that voice.

He hadn't really paid attention to it before but now, He was almost sure of the identy of the troll in front of him he just needed to check one more thing.

His hands traveled upwards to what he presumed was the head and .. Yes, There they were. Those horns. He could recognize those anywhere.

Tavros had to admit the situation was very awkward. Though Gamzee was looking directly at him, There was no contact. Tavros briefly wondered if he somehow had managed to blind himself but that seem unlikely.

Still, Gamzee acted as if he was blind and used his hand to 'see', stroking and poking at various points of Tavros body. He felt very uncomfortable and he began to feel the panic creeping up his spine, Once again.

Suddenly Gamzee let go of him but not for long, Soon the hand were on his face again. Tavros flinched at the sudden touch, It was cold and slimy.

His hands grabbed his horns and traveled along the length, Then without having any time to react, Tavros found himself in the arms of a sniffling subjuggalator.

He was aware that if they somehow allowed him to live they must have revived the others as well but in his current state, rational thinking weren't exactly at highest priority.

At that moment, Gamzee never thought he would see his old friends again and the only ogical reaction to seeing his best bro again were to break down in tears.

Gamzee was overwhelmed with emotions, It seemed like it only had been moments ago since he'd held Tavros' decapitated head in his arms and now , He was there in front of him, Breathing.

His lower lips began shaking and Gamzee realized he was not far from tears. He lunged forward and wrapped his arms around Tavros in a somewhat violent hug. The tears were beginning to well up in his eyes.

He scrunched his eyes shut, He didn't want to cry in front of Tavros but soon he felt the hot tears running down his cheeks. Fuck it.. **"It's a motherfucking miracle, Tav. A motherfucking miracle.."**

Tavros sighed, partly in relief. He doubted that Gamzee would react this way if he was somewhat sober but Tavros could sense the sincerity in his words. He cautiously returned the hug. **"I.. I missed you too."** He stuttered, A bit shaken up.

He felt the cold sopor slime against his body and his natural reaction was to shun away but it was too late, Gamzee had him in an iron grip.

He was stronger than he looked, Not that Tavros was one of the stronger individuals out there but that didn't matter, He was trapped in a lung-squeezing embrace nevertheless..

**"Uuuh, Gamzee... You can let me go now"** Tavros wheezed after a somewhat awkwards 30 seconds, He finally felt the grip loosen around him. He exhaled, His chest hurt a little but he couldn't help but be happy.

He looked at Gamzee, Not surprisingly he was a mess, A sobbing, sticky mess of a friend. Hopefully he would be able to do something about the latter though it might require some effort. Quite a lot of it actually.

He sighed, He doubted it would be easy but he couldn't bare to leave Gamzee like this. He took a deep breath and prepared himself mentally. He stepped away from Gamzee and to his wardrobe, Pulled out a clean T-shirt and a pair of pants.

He looked back at Gamzee, He had stopped crying and now he just stood there staring into the ceiling and laughing that somewhat cackling laugh eh had heard so many times before.

Tavros smiled, He was slowly turning more and more recognizable. Sure enough, The Gamzee he knew was a bit of a hassle to hang out with but in Tavros opinion, It was worth it. **"Uuh, Gamzee. Do you hear me?"**

No reaction but Tavros knew that you had to be persistent with Gamzee. **"Gamzee, look at me. Gamzee?"** It took a while to get his attention but Tavros was patient.

Patience is one of the vital traits of a cripple on Alternia, He was used to getting pushed to the back for the line, He was used to spend 30 minutes getting dressed, He was used to hiding for hours from the culling squads.

If he could do all those things he should be able to get Gamzee to take a shower. **"Okay Gamzee.. Are you listening to me? Take these and go to the bathroom, Take a shower"** Tavros said and handed Gamzee the clothes.

He was surprised how authorative he sounded. He wasn't used to hearing that tone unless it directed towards himself. **"If you need my help just shout or something"** he said, This time slightly less confident.

Gamzee gave the garments a blank stare before he grabbed them. It took a few more seconds but then he began moving, Out the door, down the hallway. Tavros could hear a door open and close, He hoped that Gamzee wasn't too drugged up to handle this.

He could feel a sting of concern in his chest but he tried to convince himself that the indigo-blooded troll would be fine.

In an attempt to distract his thought he took a look around the room. It was just as messy but it seemed like it had been unused for a while. Still, A bright red object on the floor caught his attention. Gamzee's grubtop.

He knew he shouldn't be snooping but he still, He almost felt compelled to check it. He doubted it had been used recently but it felt like he needed to find out what's inside it. Maybe Gamzee had written something down in there, Just anything would be great.

He needed to know what was going inside Gamzee's head. He was usually rather predictable. Well, not really but one of the last things he would have expected to happen was that Gamzee Makara would go on a murderous rampage.

While he was prepared to leave that in the past, He still found himself craving some kind of reasoning to why he did it. The others hadn't really been very descritivbe when it came to that part, Understandably so..

Tavros couldn't imagine why they would want to revisit those memories but he still wanted to know. Right now he had the possibility of maybe stilling his curiosity at the cost of invading Gamzee's privacy.

He couldn't bring himself to a decision, Several minutes pased as Tavros held a staring contest with the grubtop.

A door slammed out in the hall, Tavros realized that he'd completely forgotten about Gamzee. He quickly grabbed the grubtop off the floor and hurried out the hallway. He hadn' decided whether he would use it or not but it felt good t have it with him.

He looked at Gamzee, He seemed to been able to handle the shower pretty good. He was in one piece and looked a lot better too.

But Gamzee didn't seem to notice him, He continued down the hall and down the stairs. Tavros panicked and followed. Gamzee was in no state of going outside right now, He needed to sober up a little before that was even an option.

Gamzee was practically sleepwalking, he didn't respond to anything Tavros said so he decided to just follow. He wasn't doing anything dangerous yet. Though Gamzee's journey was a short one.

He merely walked downstairs and collapsed on the couch. Tavros was a bit confused but he slipped down o the couch next to him nonetheless, It took a few seconds to realize that Gamzee had fallen asleep.

Now that Gamzee was safe and asleep, The thought of opening the grubtop was more tempting than ever. After a few seconds of deliberation he opened the lid.

He was just about to click one of the icons on the desktop when a familiar sound reached his ears. Someone was trying to contact Gamzee via Trollian.

He had no right to do this but it couldn't hurt to atleast check who it was, He opened the window.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]**

CG: WHAT THE FUCK GAMZEE

CG: TOOK YOU FUCKING LONG ENOUGH TO LOG IN

CG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO READ THIS

TC: uHH, hE'S PROBABLY NOT GOING TO DO THAT,

TC: hE'S ASLEEP RIGHT NOW

CG: TAVROS, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ON GAMZEE'S ACCOUNT?

CG: PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU VISITED THAT CRAZY FUCKASS

TC: i DID,, bUT TO BE HONEST HE SEEMS PRETTY HARMLESS

TC: hE'S JUST THE OLD GAMZEE, I MEAN, hE HAS BEEN EATING MORE SLIME THAN USUAL, bUT OTHERWISE, hE'S PRETTY NORMAL

CG: FIRST OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DISOBEYING MY ORDERS?

CG. I KNOW THE GAMES OVER AND SHIT, BUT I'M STILL YOUR FUCKING LEADER

CG: SECOND, I FUCKING WARNED YOU ABOUT GAMZEE. I KNOW HE SEEMS AS HARMLESS AS YOUR WIMPY ASS EXCUSE FOR A LUSUS RIGHT NOW BUT THAT'S WHAT WE ALL THOUGHT TOO.

CG: THEN HE JUST SNAPPED, BEGAN BASHING PEOPLE'S HEADS IN AND PAINT THE WALLS WITH THEIR BLOOD

CG: YOU DO KNOW HE RAN AROUND WITH YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD AT ONE POINT?

TC: uHH, nO

TC: i MEAN YES BUT, iT REALLY DOESN'T SEEM LIKE THAT'S WHAT HE'S THINKING ABOUT,

CG: THEN WHAT'S HE THINKING ABOUT?

TC: i DON'T KNOW HOW YOU THINK I WOULD KNOW THAT BUT, uHH, i PLAN ON ASKING HIM WHEN HE WAKES UP,,

CG: ARE YOU CRAZY?

TC: uHH, mAYBE,,

TC: bUT GAMZEE IS MY FRIEND AND I JUST CAN'T LEAVE HIM LIKE THIS

CG: LIKE WHAT?

TC: uHH, iT'S KIND OF HARD TO DESCRIBE

TC: iT WOULD BE MUCH EASIER, IF YOU JUST CAME OVER

CG: ARE YOU FUCKING ASKING ME TO TAKE A 40 MINUTE WALK TO A CRIMINALLY INSANE' TROLL'S HOUSE, RISKING LIFE AND LIMB JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T WRITE A DECENT SENTENCE?

TC: uHH, iF YOU DON'T WANT TO, i GUESS YOU DON'T HAVE TO,

CG: FUCK IT, I'M COMING OVER

CG: WHAT KIND OF LEADER WOULD I BE IF I LET YOU DIE TWICE?

TC: tHANKS, kARKAT

CG: FUCK OFF

**carcinoGenetecist [CG] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]**


	3. Happy Endings & Cannonballs

_**Soo.. Third chapter.. Woohoo! I hope you enjoy ;) All reviews are highly appreciated**_

Karkat wasn't really sure why he had agreed to do this. It was probably the last things he wanted to do right now.. or ever for that matter. He had deliberately been avoiding and postponing his visit to Gamzee.

He had forbidden everyone to visit him until Karkat himself had assessed the situation, Like a good leader should.. The visit in question never happened though. Gamzee got off people's minds eventually and Karkat assumed that he never would have to see that clown's ugly face again.

Yeah, Now he had promised Tavros to go over to his goddamn house, He didn't have much of a choice here.

He was honestly worried about Tavros, It would certainly not look good if the other found out that the rustblooded troll had died due to Karkat's negligence.

A leader needed to look out for his team, No matter how annoying and pathetic they may be.

Though deep down he knew he didn't avoid Gamzee out of disdain, He did it out of fear.

He wasn't scared of Gamzee's psychotic side..

Not at all.. Nope.. Okay a little.. But that wasn't why he had postponed his visit.

The fact that he had been forced to kill the subjuggalator had left a deep imprint on him, What he feared most was in fact, Gamzee's response. He couldn't say he liked him, Though he couldn't say he hated him either.

Maybe he somehow considered him a friend. But he had no idea how Gamzee would react to being killed. Well, He wasn't really himself at the time but.. Maybe the old Gamzee had still been there, Just underneath his batshit crazy surface..

And Karkat had killed him. Karkat had never died himself but he couldn't really think it was a pleasant experience, he could very well imagine Gamzee being pissed off about it, or sad..

Or anything really.. A negative response what he feared the most.

Then he realized he had been standing around, Doing absolutely nothing for a good 5 minutes. Well if he wanted to get to Tavros before he ended up decapitated again he better get going.

Fuck.. What had he gotten himself into. He walked out into the hall, Grabbed a hoodie and was out the door. _No turning back now, Pussy_.. Karkat reminded himself.

Yeah. No chickening out today. He had to face Gamzee someday. He walked down the street with his signature scowl on his face, He couldn't say he was content with the situation.

Gamzee lived in one of the most inconvenient places on Alternia. Next to a forest and the sea, Both of them filled to the brim with dangerous and hostile monsters..

Yeah, He wasn't going to enjoy the trip. He pulled out his trusty 'Homes smell ya later' and began walking, No turning back. He reminded himself a second time, He wasn't really sure whether it was Gamzee himself or the trip which made him so unmotivated.

Meanwhile back at Gamzee's house, Tavros was frantically flipping through the TV channels. He wasn't just aimlessly searching for something watchable to pass the time, No he had a mission.

The objective was to find the sappiest, corniest, most clichee'd movie he could find. It was a little trick he'd learned from Terezi, Most trolls relieved stress by fighting, killing and stealing, Karkat turned to Troll Will Smith and his 'hilarious' antics.

Tavros knew it was a good way to calm down Karkat. The smell inside this house had already given him a headache, He doubted he would find Karkat's raging fits a very pleasant experience right now.

He finally found one that matched the criteria. All that was missing now was Karkat.

He himself didn't find these movies very interesting but he guessed it was an appropriate way of passing some time, He made himself as comfortable as one could while sharing a couch with a sleeping troll and concentrated on the TV screen.

Almost an hour later there was a knock on the door. Unlike Tavros' wimpy attempt the sound was clearly heard through the house. Tavros barely had the chance to stand up before Karkat came barging in.

**"Tavros, Are you fucking insane? I mean, Honestly, Do you thi.. What the hell is with this smell? Did something roll up and fucking die in here? Judging by the looks of i..."** Karkat stepped into the living room in full rage mode but was swiftly interrupted by a "Shooosh" from Tavros.

He didn't want risking waking up Gamzee, Not to mention his headache. Tavros knew that Karkat's rants began relatively quietly until he quickly trapped it up into a flamethrower of screaming and anger.

**"Ofcourse, We don't want the psycho clown to wake up.."** He muttered and threw a glare at Gamzee. **"Umm, I don't think he' that psycho.. Really.."** Tavros said cautiously but his words were ignored.

**"Yeah, Yeah, Whatever, Fuckass.. Anyway, What are you watching?"** Karkat said, The TV-apparatus had caught his attention.

He violently pushed Tavros to the side, forcing him to sit with Gamzee's feet in his lap and then he sank down into the soft cushions.

Well, What did you know? It was one of his favorites.

Tavros felt relieved, He was used to being pushed around, even by Karkat. At this point, He barely took offence. Ofcourse it wasn't a pleasant experience but it was just his way of life.

Though right now he weren't pushed around as much, At least not in the literal sense. It was nice to finally be able to walk again, Not seeing the world from the perspective of a bonebulge.

Tavros could easily admit that he was happy that Karkat was here, He found some comfort in not being alone anymore, He didn't feel very safe in an empty and big house with a stoned sleeping subjuggalator as his only company.

With Karkat came the safety from his own illusions.

They both watched the crappy movie until the end, Karkat was a lot more engaged while Tavros lazily looked at the screen with half-lidded eyes.

Karkat had repeated the title three times already while discussing the plot and the actors but Tavros had already forgotten it. It was incredibly long and descriptive, Just as many other Troll-movies.

The ending was cheesy and predictable and while Tavros would like to complain, He knew better. Openly voicing his views would only fuel Karkat's rage and he could realy do without on of his rants right now.

Besides, He thought Gamzee could use some sleep without having to wake up to Karkat screaming about the lead-actress' great potential.

Tavros remember the time when he had been scared of Karkat, It had taken a while for him to realize that he was all bark and_ almost_ no bite. If he kept himself in his little corner and didn't make too much of a fuss, Hanging out with Karkat was endurable.

He had to admit sometimes it was quite fun listening to him but right now, With a headache pounding in his head, He wasn't very keen on that thought.

He listened to Karkat praising the movie with mild interest. Nodded when when it was appropriate to do so. Still, he kept an eye on Gamzee while he wondered how much longer he could stay asleep.

Karkat was quickly absorbed into the movie, It made it able for him to ignore the stench and his "best friend's" snores. Still, It wasn't as easy to focus as it had been the first time he'd watched this movie.

Or the second or seventh for that matter.. He blamed the troll sleeping next to him, His thought kept wandering off to Gamzee but it wasn't the snores which disturbed him.

Karkat couldn't say he handled being a killer gallantly. He had found himself being more nervous than usual, A bit more angry and a bit more of every negative feeling he could think of.

Well, The rest of the trolls, himself included, knew he wasn't the jolliest in the bunch but his.. guilt had putted some strain on him. He may be an asshole but he had a conscience after all.

He wondered how Gamzee could be so peaceful.

Copious amounts of sopor slime probably, Judging from the pietins scattered around the room. How did Gamzee feel about being killed? How did Gamzee feel after killing someone?

It was just a flurry of questions inside his mind. All of them equally pathetic. None of those were ever going to see the light of day, Asking question would make it seem like he didn't knew what was best, Make him seem stupid, Make him seem like not the ideal leader.

Yeah, Fuck questions. Fuck Gamzee. Fuck everything. Just watch the movie.

Gamzee wasn't the one who would immediately spring up as soon as he was awake. He liked to lay down, Close his eyes, Relax and collect his thoughts.

Though Gamzee didn't have a lot to collect, Usually. Recently his sleep had been riddled with nightmares. This time was no exception, Though it wasn't as bad as it could've been, In fact it had been a relatively happy dream compared to some.

Tavros decapitated head had been talking to him, It didn't even seem to be aware that it's body had been missing so he and Tav just had a normal conversation.

Or as normal one could act while talking to the separated head from a friend.. Gamzee remember being nauseous during the whole conversation, It had been so wrong.

His memories from before the nap was blurry as usual but something was bugging him. It was like his subconscious was tying to remind him, As if he had forgotten something important.

He frowned and tried to remember but his attempt was fruitless. Oh well, It was probably not that important then. His mind was still quite fuzzy, Though everything was clearing up.

Memories started resurface and he tried his best to ignore him but soon he stood there with the club in his hand again, Damn. His hand gripped the nonexistent object in his hand.

He needed some more pie, He needed to relax.

Then he heard voices, At first he thought he just felt more sober than he actually was, Then he recognized them.

** "I mean this scene is just brilliant, How the fuck can't you see that? I mean you can really feel what the director was going for right here."** Karkat, Damn, What was that motherfucker doing here?

**"Umm.. I guess so.."** A nervous voice replied. Tavros too, huh? He smiled in his "sleep".

He was happy that they were here but there was some unsettling thought chewing in the back of his head.

They were here, No questions about that. But why were they here? During normal circumstances he would have greeted them with open arms, Laughed or maybe cried little.

Now, He could barely hear their voices without his thoughts trailing towards them plotting against him and wanting to get their revenge.

He was so motherfucking tired of this shit, Of being a paranoid motherfucker. He couldn't even trust his friends anymore, While he knew these thoughts was irrational there was nothing he could do to keep them away.

Still, He wanted to be happy. His friends were visiting him and he couldn't say he was upset or angry, That must count as some kind of happy?

Gamzee figured that he could just exaggerate his existing happiness, Push those weird thoughts back and pretend..

He didn't like the sound of that, He wanted to be honest but he didn't think that if he openly voiced his suspicions Karkat or Tavros would be very flattered.

Yes, Pretending was the best and only option, For now atleast.

It was probably time for him to 'wake up' now, He could hear some music in the background and both Karkat and Tavros had gone quiet. He could very well been thinking that they'd left him if his feet wasn't resting in Tavros lap.

Now that he thought of it, It was quite uncomfortable, Time to get the act on. He let out a loud and somewhat theatrical yawn.

Both Tavros and Karkat turned around and Gamzee was really happy he didn't have to fake this part, He was a horrible actor anyway.

The happiness he felt when he actually saw his best bro and friend was immeasurable to what he felt just by hearing their voices. His face cracked up into an ear to ear smile.

Tavros was there, Alive and well. That fact alone was enough to make him happier than he'd been in a very long time but then he spotted Karkat, This was a very good day.

They both were looking at him with a mix of surprise and what he really hoped wasn't fear.

No, He had to stop feeding his paranoia. He tried to focus on his happiness instead. He could be a nervous wreck later, When no one was around to see him.

Tavros smiled as he saw Gamzee's face again. He looked better. For one, He wasn't high as a kite and covered in slime. He seemed more energetic now as well and more .. Aware.

He was more like good old Gamzee, Tavros had to admit he didn't like him when he were so drugged up. It was so hard to contact him.

Although he was newly awakened, he had noticed he had company and was shining like a sun right now.

Still he felt compelled to ask **"Are you alright, Gamzee?"** As always, There was a nervous undertone to his voice.

There wasn't really anything he could do about it, It was very hard for him to hide his emotions and when he felt nervous, He sounded.. Well, Nervous

Karkat's presence weren't exactly an ego booster, He wasn't really known for his optimistic and encouraging attitude.

** " I'm more than motherfucking alright, Bro. I'm on the highest motherfucking top of the world right now."** Gamzee said as he pointed his finger towards the ceiling and drew tiny little circles in the air.

The sentence was followed by his usual cackling laugh.** "I mean, I take a nap and then I wake up, I find you two motherfuckers here"** Gamzee continued.

Tavros just nodded, He wasn't sure how he would respond to that, He didn't want to mention that h'd been here for about two hours already.

Strangely the otherwise loudmouthed troll remained had expected him to scream, shout, rant or atleast say something but he was quiet. Tavros didn't dare to turn around so he could only imagine Karkats facial expression.

Karkat stared at Gamzee with a frown, He wasn't sure what to think. There was no traces of the psychopath that had scared him shitless a month ago.

Nope, Just the regular, foulmouthed, drugged up Gamzee.

The next few moments were filled with Gamzee's chuckles. Karkat had to admit he hadn't missed them. They were annoying as a featherbeast being strangled and impossible to stop.

However that wasn't what annoyed him the most.

Karkat wondered how he act so.. normal. This wasn't right and it wasn't fair.

Gamzee kills two people in cold blood, No issues there, He was fucking fine but good old Karkat Vantas commits one justified killing and he's scarred for life.

Well, Calling Gamzee fine was a bit of an overstatement. He was mental to begin with but.. Fuck.

He abandoned his train of thought, He didn't want to think more about this shit. It got him too worked up.

**"Come on, Let's get out of here. The smells is giving me a migraine"** He muttered and stood up and began walking towards the door. He didn't even look back to see if the other two followed.. 

**"Whoa, What's that motherfucker's problem"** He heard Gamzee say behind him. He stopped in his tracks and grounded his teeth, The last thing he needed right now was Gamzee's idiotic comments.

**"To be honest Gamz, It kind of stinks in here.."** Tavros pointed out.

What was left of Karkat's patience went up in flames. **"Thaaank you, Numbskull. Come on, Let's go. Before my rage builds up into a fucking fortresss of contempt and anger from which I'll launch cannonballs of pure and utter hatred.. And guess what, Nooksniffers? I've just arranged the bricks "**

Karkat shouted, He could feel the headache he'd previously lied about coming on.

How convienient. Why did he have to be stuck with these assholes? Oh right, He'd chosen to be here. Karkat cursed his stupidity.

Luckily neither Tavros or Gamzee complained, He could hear footsteps behind him. Good, he couldn't really take anymore bullshit right now. Without looking back, He walked outside.


	4. Pink Grass & Trees

**_Bluh, This took way too long for me to write, Call me a huge btch if you want. I had to juggle around with homework, soccer practice and more tedious and boring RL stuff that I'm positive you have no interest in hearing. Things have calmed down a little so I'm hoping hat I'll be able to update this story more frequently now :) Anyway, Enjoy the Chapter :D_**

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><p>Karkat had no idea were the motley little group was heading, He didn't care that much either. Though if Gamzee and Tavros led them into some sort of a deathtrap or got themselves lost, Karkat wouldn't go easy on them.<p>

How the hell had the two idiots taken the lead?

This was just as unacceptable as it was unworthy of making a fuss about. The headache pounding in his head made screaming about something as trivial who was walking in front seem like a bad idea.

He didn't want to waste his energy and temper on that.

Besides, He had never been in this forest before, Gamzee or Tavros was probably better guides.

Ofcourse he wasn't going to admit their superiority in this specific instance but he supposed that hanging out in the back for a while wouldn't be that bad.

It would be worse if Terezi was here, She would mock him to no end. Besides, He wouldn't be able to stand her stupid, high-pitched voice anymore. He sighed, Neither Tavros or Gamzee seemed to notice.

They were too absorbed into their conversation. Karkat couldn't help but feel like somewhat of an outsider. It was obvious that Gamzee and Tavros were on more equal grounds than Karkat in probably every way possible.

It probably had something to do with not considering eachother annoying fuckfaces.

Karkat wasn't envious.

He thought they both were annoying and pathetic, Both of them unworthy of his pity or his hate.

His relationship with the two could pretty much be described with two words, Undefined and awkward.

He didn't want to take part in their conversation anyway. Still, He wanted someone that would be able to hold a intelligent conversation without zoning out mid-sentence or stuttering like an idiot.

Reconsidering, Even Terezi would be nice at this point.

Neither Tavros or Gamzee didn't care where they were going, Or rather didn't notice. They both were too indulged in their conversation.

**"Yeah, I guess it's rather cool.. I mean it's not often you get to die and come back to life"** Tavros responded to Gamzee's previous statement, A bit overwhelmed with Gamzee's curiosity on the subject...

But he guessed that it was normal, Gamzee had been one of the last ones to be revived so he'd missed out of most of the action.

The question he'd expected quickly followed.

**"I ain't a motherfucker to question a miracle but I can't help but wonder how you all pulled off this shit.."**

Well, Tavros had to admit there was no easy way to answer the question, Partly because Tavros himself barely had an idea how it all had happened.

**"Well, After you.. died. Sollux had somehow gotten his hands on some equipment. He had an idea, Since we knew the Green Sun were going to explode soon so he configured it to recharge using the energy from the , the machine was built to extract persons from dreambubbles... It was kind of broken.. But Sollux managed to fix it up and even improve it.. "**

Tavros rambled on, he was basically just repeating the information he'd heard many times before, Or rather what sense he had been able to extract from Sollux attempt to explain it to him.

Gamzee nodded and looked at him, There was a strangely focused edge in his stare.

Tavros wasn't really used to seeing him this attentive but he guessed that in Gamzee's case, It was probably a good thing..

**"So they used those weird chess-people from the lab as the basic bodies and some other weird ectobioigy stuff to get the genetics right for those whose bodies were too damaged to be functioning.. And began reviving I guess.. I weren't there so I can't say I know anything about the process.."** Tavros said, Stuttering at some points in the sentence.

He wasn't really sure if Karkat was listening but he hoped he wasn't.

The words coming out of his mouth was meant for Gamzee. While it wasn't anything secret or embarrassing, The thought of Karkat listening made him nervous.

There was no real reason behind that fear but it was there nonetheless..

**"Since we were in kind of a hurry, They made a list of who had the highest priority.."** He continued but was swiftly interrupted by Gamzee.

**"So everyone is alive now?"** He asked, Tavros was a bit perplexed by the lack of swears in his sentence and even more so when he realized that the original group of twelve was now down to ten.

He hadn't even thought about it..

**"No.. We didn't have.. Uhh, Time for Eridan and Vriska so.. They're pretty dead right now."** Tavros. He hadn't gotten along with Eridan very well so he couldn't say he missed him, In fact no one seemed to miss the seadweller.

And Vriska... It was complicated but he supposed it was good riddance.

He wasn't sure what to think of her, She had thrown him from a cliff, Paralyzed him in the process, kissed him and then killed him.

Vriska was a subject that he tried not to think about, She confused him to no end..

It was harder to keep the act up than Gamzee had anticipated. Trying to stay relaxed while his mind was racing in his head.

A jumbled mess of barely coherent thoughts tumbled around inside his thinkpan.

He was happy but simultaneously, The paranoia was getting harder and harder to contain and recuired more and more of his attention to push away.

Still, He found himself wanting to know more about what had happened after his death.. and revival, If he only could remember something but everything was just a colorful blur.

Nothing that he usually minded but the current subject had piqued his curiosity.

He didn't like being left out either. Well, He supposed that no one did. He felt somewhat flattered that he had been revived but he suspected that he hadn't been very high up on that list.

The feeling of gratitude was minimal.

Gamzee was surprised how indifferent he was about the subject. Though right now, He was happy to be alive.. Or atleast he thought so, He should be anyway.

Tavros was here, Karkat was here and they were having a nice walk in the forest. Yes, He should be happy and he was happy.

Probably.

Making heads or tails of his thoughts was hard. However there was something that unsettled him, It seemed like there was a part of him that wanted to be dead.. Or not revived at least.

He had to admit it would be more practical that way, Spare him some emotional pain and whatnot.

Though right now he was happy, and he was going to stay that way. Happy.

Still, He sarcastically remarked that he was a suicidal, Possibly murderous, Manodepressive individual wandering through the woods with two of his friends that might eventually end u as his victims,

Just motherfucking perfect..

No, Wrong thoughts.

Happy, Happy, Happy he reminded himself, Gotta stay motherfucking happy.

While his train of thought rushed through his cramped mind, Tavros continued to tell him about their adventure with those weird aliens.

Gamzee had stopped listening when his own thoughts became too overwhelming and what Tavros now said was complete nonsense to him,

Gamzee supposed he was one of those guys who had a hard time to follow a story if he hadn't heard it form the beginning.

He kind of wanted to ask Tavros to take it all from the beginning again but Gamzee decided that it wasn't worth it.

He knew that Tavros would feel very awkward if Gamzee interrupted him and asked him to take it from the top again.

He supposed he could ignore his curiosity, Just as he ignored the rest of his thoughts and not begrudge Tavros the happiness.

Tavros tried to include as much detail as possible but he got derailed at some points, But Gamzee didn't seem to mind.

Surprisingly, He seemed to follow along the story quite nicely.

Ofcourse Tavros wasn't really focusing on Gamzee, He was too busy trying to remember whether the clouds on that weird planet were blue or green.

It seemed unfair that Gamzee had to miss out on such an awesome experience so he tried to incudes as much details and describe everything that had happened.

His headache was long gone, It was amazing what some fresh air could do. He was silently amazed how the words flowed from his mouth, Almost no stuttering or pauses in mid-sentence.

He felt his confidence spike and a strong sense of accomplishment washed over him.

Yeah, He wasn't much of a public speaker but with Gamzee it all seemed to flow so naturally..

Oh, Karkat was here too. He was surprisingly quiet, Tavros had barely noticed he was there. Well, It was a nice break from his usual loud presence.

He took a deep breath and continued to explain the texture of the grass, A quiet Karkat was usually the best Kartkat but after being reminded of his presence he felt considerably a lot more nervous.

Maybe he should talk to him too? After a few moment of silence and thinking he decided that including him in the conversation would probably no do much good at this point.

Even though his headache had faded, It was never fun to be shoted at and called an idiot. Tavros couldn't guarantee that would be the case but speaking from experience, That was probably what were going to happen.

_Oh, look a tree. Another tree. Oh my, What have we here another tree? What a pleasant surprise._

Fuck, This was boring, He had tried to listening to what Tavros was saying but he had stopped when Tavros began mumbling some shit about the unusually 'soft pink grass from that place that smelled like dryness'.

God, That troll was an awful storyteller.

He had quickly redirected his attention to his surroundings instead but he was already bored again.

Yeah, By now he had probably seen enough trees for a lifetime.

or the third time he redirected his attention to the two trolls walking in front of him, He couldn't help but notice things that annoyed him..

No , Annoyed was the wrong word, Rather, It infuriated him.

He couldn't give a fuck less about Tavros, That nookstains could go fuck his idiotic self but he couldn't take his eyes from Gamzee.

It was tiny little things, Nothing big, karkat was suprised how those things could invoke such feelings.

The way he walked and talked, So relaxed. Hell, even his usual blank stare seemed to laugh him in the face,

If that even was possible.

Karkat hated to admit it but he had been haunted by guilt.

Sure enough, He could kill imps and ogres. That had been a part of the game, A necessary step and Karkat openly admitted that he felt some kind of satisfaction when he sliced them to pieces.

Trolls were a violent race after all.

But killing someone he knew, Someone he had spent time with, A lot of time with actually.

Since once upon a time Karkat and Gamzee had been best friends, It was many sweeps ago.

At that age where you were on the hemospectrum hadn't mattered, Karkat had been blissfully ignorant about what liquid abomination flowed in his veins.

He'd been equally ignorant about Gamzee's high position on the scale and..

They had gotten along suprisingly well. Eventually Karkat had realized that his mutated genes would put him high up on the cullinglist so he had began shunning away from others, Including Gamzee.

Still, The idiot clung to him like a braindamaged barkbeast. Deep down Karkat was somehow flattered by his devotion but he would never allow those sentences to leave his mouth, Much less acknowledge them.

And Karkat had, more or less, been forced to kill his former best friend.

Ofcourse you weren't going to be a-ok after that.

What pissed him off the most was while he had been feeling quite guilty, Gamzee had just it shrugged off and he had committed something twice as bad, If not worse.

It was so fucking unfair, He didn't care if he sounded like a spoiled blueblooded grub but he was way beyond rational thinking by this point.

He felt the hot rage stirring in him once again, This time it was more serious than the short little outburst back at the house. That was just his reaction to some minor frustration.

One little harmless question from Tavros was that spark that lit the fire.

Tavros had finished his story and he was quite proud of what he had accomplished. Though he was a bit disappointed when his effort only had been rewarded with **"That's a wicked awesome story, Bro"** but since it was Gamzee he found it understandable.

He wasn't exactly the best person to give critique and he knew that he'd been fooling himself if he had expected anything else.

He still smiled at the response, Tavros found some value in those words.

He choose his next words carefully, He suspected that it could be somewhat of an sensitive subject but he had to still his curiosity.

**"Gamzee, I hope you don't think I'm intruding or something but.. What have you been up to.. Err, I mean, I haven't really heard from you for a while.. If you don't want to answer.."**

His words faded out as he saw Gamzee's reaction to the question, He kind of froze up. Not in that way when he was zoning out, He was still there.

Not as he was when the effects of the sopor slime got the better of him, He was aware of this surroundings and most of all he was aware of what he just had been asked.

It seemed to shock him but before Tavros could analyze his expression further, Karkat's voice ripped his attention away. It was cold and dripping with spite. A warning of the flaming shitstorm that was about to follow.

**"Oh, I bet he has been dragging trolls into his basement. You know what? I bet he's been drawing some pretty fucking neat rainbows down there as well."**

Tavros was shocked by the chilly undertone in Karkat's voice and by his harsh words. He knew that some might wonder about Gamzee's thoughts about what had happened but Tavros had figured that Gamzee would bring it up whenever he was ready.

Tavros knew that this wasn't the best way of bringing it up, He had no idea why Karkat acted to irrationally or from where those words came from.

Tavros wanted to intervene, Break up the fight that was probably about to go down but as much as Tavros wanted to, He had neither the courage or strength to do so.

He was no Kanaya, He had no idea how to come to a just and fair solution for both parties.

He wasn't Equius whose brute strenght would be able to keep any trolls apart.

He silently hated himself for it but all he could do was stare as the situation unfolded in front of him.

Gamzee looked at Karkat. He could barely believe what he just had heard. He was dumbfounded and not really sure how to react to the question.

His emotions flashed by so quickly he couldn't put a label them. He felt his face stiffen.

He wasn't really sure whether to smile, frown or cry so his face just kind of froze - Still Gamzee decided to keep the act up.

**"I have no idea of what the motherfuck you're talking about"** Even though he tried his best to act natural, He heard how fake it all sounded.

He was an bad actor delivering his lines, Stale and mechanical.

Ofcourse Karkat wouldn't listen to him, He was at that point where he was unstoppable, Like steamdriven, railbound machine of some sort.** "You know what, Fuck you, Gamzee. Fuck you. Do you think that everyone ha just forgotten everything?"**

Ofcourse he didn't.

If it only had been so simple. He'd hoped that he wouldn't have to talk about this .. ever. He didn't even have anything to say to karkat.

He had spent so much time trying to make it all go away he hadn't thought of any excuses or anything to say.

Sorry was probably not going to cut it this time but before Gamzee could think about it further, Karkat fired off another volley of words.

**"Did we give you too much slime? Has your think pan rotted away completely and by some 'Motherfucking miracle' magically generated without giving you any memories of what happened, Then I'm happy to fill you in. You went fucking batshit crazy, Strangled Equius, Clubbed Nepeta's head into a concave, Got kicked off a platform by the bonebulge, Got back up, Tried to kill us which ultimately ended with me having to plant a sickle through your chest."**

Karkat took a short break to inhale, Barely giving Gamzee enough time to revisit each and single memory.

He cringed when those images flashed by his mental screen. It wasn't physical kind of pain he felt and remembered.

Though he couldn't say hitting that floor had been pleasant but then again, He had been beyond the point of caring about physical harm.

Every memory flashed by in less than a microsecond by each one was so clear, Each one gave him what felt like an emotional stab-wound.

For the second time today, He felt he was close to tears, Fuck. Fuck.. This wasn't what he wanted.

He wanted to explain but his thinkpan was far too clustered to come up with anything but It wasn't like Karkat gave him a chance to speak either

Because what seemed like eternity for Gamzee was in fact just a second where karkat caught his breath.

**"Did that refresh your memory, Fuckass? If so, Care to give me an decent explanation. Cause you know, Sticking a lethal object into the body of your be.. teammate isn't as funny as it sounds.. Or is it? I have no idea how you felt so it would be fucking delighting to get a second opinion. I could imagine it feeling very well judging by that creepy ear-to-ear grin you were sporting"**

Gamzee found himself unable to even talk, He tried to open his mouth but his jaws were clenched together.

His eyes were shut, This time he was more successful with keeping the tears in.

Crap, He didn't want to talk about this shit, He wanted to forget.

Not rip up the wounds again.

All he wanted to do right now was to disappear, Be wiped off the surface of Alternia.

He had no means of teleportation or anything of the sort but there was one thing he could do, Run.

Run from his troubles like the coward he was.

Bravery and courage was not qualities that Gamzee Makara possessed anymore, Running like a scared fluffbeast was a perfectly viable option.

And that was exactly what he did..

Into the damp and dark woods, Away from Karkat.. and ultimately Tavros but he tried not to think about that fact.

He needed to get away.


	5. Tears & Goatdad

**_Okay, This took a while.. Again. I'm sorry but school has been a bitch D: Anyway, Here's the fifth chapter. Everyone is emoemosadsad and yeah..I just spoilered my whole story you gaiz ::::D _**

**_Nah, Not really, I do have a bigger plot in mind but we wont be at that point for a while.. It involves the other trolls so this story won't just be revolving around Gamzee, Tavros and Karkat, Don't worry. All of teh trolls are going to be involved, All of the..Okay not Vriska and Eridan but the  rest of them._**

**_I might as well give you a decent explanation why I decided to let them stay dead. Partly because I want to include all the trolls and they all have a part to play in the story, I have no idea how to include Vriska and Eridan in a smooth manner. I also did it because I'm afraid I wont do their characters justice and make dem fans mad.. Anyway, I'm, rambling, Back to the story. Please review, You have no idea how happy you guys make me 8D  
><em>**

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><p>Gamzee was more or less lost. Well, He could probably walk along the shoreline until he got back to his hive but..<p>

Nah. He wasn't feeling it.

And there was always a 50% chance he chose the wrong way and wandered even farther away from it.

Just sitting here watching the sea for a while was fine. He was sitting at atop a cliff, his legs were dangling off the edge.

Far below him the iron grey waves hitting the rock with a scary force. It was a dangerous situation but he didn't care.

Why should he care? Karkats words had left him feeling..

Pierced.

Like some kind of sharp object had jammed itself through his torso.

Everything fucking hurt, The pain beamed out from his chest to his fingertips.

He had no idea how it even was possible but he didn't really care about that matter, All he wanted to know how to make it stop.

There seemed to be no cure for it.

All he found himself capable of was staring at the sea while purple-tinted tears rolled down his cheeks with a sniffle every now and then, He was so fucking pathetic.

He had no idea what he was the hell he was feeling but crying seemed appropriate, His thinkpan was so fucking chaotic he didn't ever bother anymore,

All he felt was the crippling pain slowly boring through his chest.

This was all so fucked up.

He was fucked up.

The world was fucked up.

Every single motherfucking object, sentient or otherwise was royally and totally fucked up.

And there was nothing he could do about it.

The hopelessness was like a suffocating cloud around him, It was like..

A inescapable chokehold around his neck, Slowly suffocating whatever hope he had left.

His friends hated him, To them he was a psychopathic subjuggalator who wanted to paint the walls with their blood.

He'd pretty much fucked up his only chance of changing that opinion. Even Tavros must think he's crazy now. His existence was pathetic.

Fuck, Even his only consolations had been taken away from him. He was usually able to turn to the sea when all seemed hopeless and impossible.

'Cause there was always a chance that his good old lusus might show up and make everything better.. but he knew that it wasn't going to happen.

The motherfucker was dead.

As a matter of fact, He'd had died twice..

He was really a good at taking care of his Lusus, huh?

Troll of the motherfucking sweep right here.

He sighed, Even though he knew it was futile he couldn't rip his eyes of the horizon.. Maybe.. Maybe a miracle was bound to happen?

Maybe, If he squinted really hard, He would see that horned silhouette again.. No, This was stupid,

Miracles were stupid.

There was no such things. Goatdad was dead and he was going to stay that way. The thought didn't cheer him up, Not surprisingly.

He felt hopeless and pathetic and miserable and..

Motherfuck, The pain would never stop, Would it?

Every second felt like someone stabbed him a couple of hundred times with a dull knife.

He couldn't take this.

He was too weak.

He knew there was an end to all his suffering right in front of him..

Err, Below him was probably a better choice of words.

He stood up on shaky legs an peeked over the edge. Fuck, It was really far down.

He took a deep breath, One step and it would be over but..

That way would be the ultimate moherfucking insult to his lusus memory. The bastard had told him to stay on land and out of the water.

That rule had been established after Gamzee had tried to follow Goatdad when he swam away. He had been very young at the time so he had nearly drowned..

Though the actual purpose of jumping of the cliff were drowning and..

Bleh, Now he was overthinking it. There would be no cliff jumping today. Goatdad's wishes were to be respected even after his death. Gamzee owed the motherfucker that..

Somehow. He sat down again and curled up into a ball. How Gamzee was in debt to his lusus weren't really obvious to him right now but he supposed he wasn't thinking properly.

It was hard to think properly while being slowly stabbed to death by nonexistent knives.

Or maybe he was just a coward?

He had already established that..

Whatever, No throwing himself off a cliff today. He reminded himself that he deserved every fucking second of pain he was experiencing right now.

Served him right in every way, Just grit your teeth and get through it motherfucker...

But that was impossible. Getting through it implied that there was going to be an end that would be reached eventually.

That was not going to happen. He could already see his future unfold in front of him.

The sad and pathetic future of a failure of a troll and subjugulator.

All alone, No friends, No enemies,

Just a motherfucking fucking failure living alone far into the woods.

Oh god, He knew he needed to pull himself together but.. He was just so fucking all over the place.

It seemed like an impossible task. Yeah, Sitting here, wallowing in pain and self-pity was easier.

Although it was awful, It was was easier.

His thinkpan was so fucking full that he couldn't really pick out any decent memory sequences, Just snippets. They were slightly more manageable when broken down.

It was a nice break from the usual, he supposed.. but he was far too shaken up to delve on that subject for more than a fraction of a second.

_Minutes in the past, But not many_

Tavros' eyes jolted between Karkat and the opening between the trees where Gamzee had disappeared.

Karkat had kind of frozen up, His face was stuck in a wide-jawed grimace that Tavros would probably have found funny disregarding the circumstances.

Tavros' thinkpan was empty, Nothing in his head gave him any clue of what to do.

Though his initial reaction was to run after him but he couldn't bring himself to it, So much for those unfaltering robotic legs.

Though he had to admit it was probably his mentality at fault here. He cursed his lacking confidence as many times before but his feet remained in place,

As usual..

The words that he just had uttered slowly sank in..

Fuck. This was not what he wanted to happen. What the hell had he been thinking?

**"Karkat?"**

Fuck, Fuck, FUCK. This was bad.. Karkat hadn't wanted Gamze to run off, He hadn't wanted to hurt him..

Okay, Maybe a little, At the time but right now he regretted it badly.

He should have thought things through before he said them but ofcourse, He was Karkat Vantas and 'thinking things through' usually didn't occur to him before it was much too late.

**"Umm, Karkat?"**

Fuck, He wanted to punch himself. Ofcourse Gamzee would react this way, If only he could stop and fucking think for two seconds this wouldn't have happened.

He must be the biggest asshole alive, Ofcourse the logical thing to do when running into a possibly traumatized friend was to bring up the memories in a most insulting manner as possible.

**"Karkat, Excuse me. It's uhh, Really nice that you want to share all those things but could you, Uhh.. Be quiet. I'm trying to find him and it's really hard to concentrate with you , Talking.."**

Tavros said in a somewhat faltering manner, As usual. However his words didn't quite match his current expression, Focused with his eyes squeezed shut, His left hand was pressed against his temple.

He was probably doing that beast-communing thing.

Besides, Had his mental ranting really been said out loud?

How the hell had he not noticed that? It wouldn't have been such a big deal if Tavros hadn't heard it all but luckily he didn't seem to care.

He took back the things he said about about Terezi, It was good that she weren't here.

The awkward silence slowly spread between them.

Okay, It wasn't really awkward on Tavros behalf since he was busy with trying to find Gamzee but Karkat couldn't really figure out anything say or do, He settled with anxiously watching Tavros.

Tavros could barely remain in control of the featherbeast he was currently manipulating.

He was close to his limits.

He had scanned the nearby as throughougly as possible but there was no sign of Gamzee. He was quite worried at this point but he decided to do a final sweep of the shoreline before moving on.

He could feel the featherbeast getting more and more frustrated, It was understandable. She was getting hungry and a bit grumpy but she promised to help Tavros for a little while longer.

She changed direction and began flying towards the sea.

Tavros partially let go of her for a while.

He needed to think and this was proably the best chance he was going to get.

Karkat was probably thinking he was busy with beast-taming or something.

From what he had heard Karkat.. He seemed to regret his words, Which were good.

Though 'seemed' was probably the key word in that sentence.

Karkat had been walking around in circles muttering and mumbling, It had been a bit hard to make out the words at some points but Tavros thought he had gotten the gist of it.

Well, He wasn't really sure if Karkat was sincere about it or if he just had been staging something but he really hoped that it was the former.

He wish he could see Karkat's face but opening his eyes would probably get him in trouble.

If the former was correct, He would get yelled at for not searching for Gamzee and the latter.. He wasn't really sure but there was a high probability of Karkat getting mad at him anyway.

**"Can you find him?"** Karkat interrupted him.

There was Karkat's usual gruff voice but there was a certain softness to it, Barely noticeable but it was there nonetheless.

He was really worried.

It brought a faint smirk to Tavros lips.

**"No.. Not yet but he shouldn't be far away.. Probably"** Tavros reluctantly added.

Yeah, he had to admit he weren't 100% certain that he was going to find Gamzee right now.

He was running out of unexplored areas. Suddenly the featherbeast demanded his attention.

He switched back to her point of view and what he saw almost made his heart stop. A familiar tall gangly figure stood near the edge of the cliff.

**"Found him"** Tavros said, His voice was void of emotion. He had no idea of how to react to this.

Karkat was relieved that the subjuggalator hadn't done something stupid yet.

**"And he's.. uh.. In a kind of.. indirect dangerous situation right now"**

Tavros voice was back to normal but Karkat had barely noticed the monotone ring to his voice.

Karkat's hopes where crushed with that sentence

**"What the fuck do you mean 'kind of indirectly'? How bad is it?"**He said, Not wasting any effort to hide his frustration.

**"Yeah.. He's kind of halfway there to.. Uh, Falling down a cliff, I guess?"** Oh, He had completely forgotten how awful Tavros was at explaining things.

He tried to remain calm but suddenly he felt the familiar panic stirring, Completely taking over from the anger and frustration.

He realized that he had no desire whatsoever to go meet Gamzee again. Yeah,' Hey, Sorry I insulted you and made you cry like a grub, I hope we're cool bro'

Not going to happen.

He had no viable excuse for what he had said and he doubted he could figure out something.

Yeah, That old idea of never seeing Gamzee again looked marvelous right now.

Fuck, Everything he said only seemed to make things worse, Considering that Gamzee was apparently dangling off a cliff somewhere, Karkat wouldn't be suprised it ended up with him being the one to push Gamzee off the edge.

He snapped back to reality and suddenly realized that he had been quiet for too long.

**"Do you mean like actually dangling off it or just sitting near it, Is there someone there wanting to throw him off it? Or you know what, Don't answer. Fuck it. Last time I took your advice to go somewhere.. You know what I ended up doing. Shit, Send me one of your wimpy fluffbeast or whatever the fuck you want and get me back to the hive. I can't deal with you fuckasses anymore.."**

Karkat bit his tongue.

He didn't mean all of those words entirely but right now, Staying away from Gamzee seemed like the best idea.

**"Just make sure you don't kick him down the cliff or something, You're at full responsibility here. If he does something stupid, Which wouldn't surprise me, It's his royal goddamn blood on your hands"** Karkat said and he couldn't deny he felt..

Better. The though of that he wasn't responsible for Gamzee anymore was relieving.

The guilt wasn't gone, It was still there, Still gnawing on his thinkpan but he couldn't deny it felt god to push the responsibility onto someone else.

Especially someone more suitable than him. Hell, He barely knew Gamzee right now.

Tavros was going make it better and Gamzee would be okay,

They were going to be fine without him.

He took another deep breath, Playing further on his angry mood,** "Take care of yourselves Nookstains, I don't want to spend tomorrow night looking for your half-eaten corpses"** Karkat finally growled before storming out of the small clearing.

He was satisfied with his theatrical performance even though it was a bit over the top by his standards..

But it probably sounded convincing enough.

He completely forgot about the fluffbeast he had demanded but.

Yeah..

Fuck, He wasn't going back.

He had already made a dramatic exit and he wasn't going to ruin it by going back and ask for directions.

He had just finished the thought when a small animal jumped in front of him and.. waved?

Well, Tavros worked quickly, He had to give him credit for that. He gave the creature the standard scowl to tell it who was in charge but it seemed completely unfazed by his efforts.

It dashed a few meters, stopped, turned around and urged him to follow it with a cheerful smile.

Oh great, Tavros had given him the most obnoxious beast in the forest. This day just turned out to get better and better, Didn't it?

He relucantly followed the creature while trying to resist the violent urge to kick it..

Oh, He was really going to kill Tavros when he got back.

Tavros didn't have much time to think about which beast he ordered to guide Karkat or what the other troll had said, Partly because Karkat had stormed off, Partly because he wanted to check on Gamzee.

He had picked one that was going to help Karkat voluntarily to save time.

Tavros could feel that the beast's personality was perhaps not the best one to be coupled with Karkat's but he was going to show the way without the need of Tavros beingin control of it's body.

It wasn't such a big hassle in itself but trying to commune with two beast simultaneously was.. Confusing.

He'd rather avoid it. He was still in contact with the featherbeast and just finding the other one had made his head spin with the conflicting thoughts.

But now that the small animal was dealed with he could focus on the Featherbeast. She was on her way to his position.

He needed her guidance, He didn't have much confidence in his forest-navigating abilities..

Or much confidence in anything else for that matter but he was still working on that.

A loud chirp from above caught his attention, His guide had arrived.

She only stopped in the air long enough to get Tavros attention and then she jolted off.

He could sense her annoyance and he knew that she wasn't going to wait for him.

Still, He stood there dumbfounded for a few seconds before he realized that she weren't coming back. Then he ran and did his best to keep up with her.

He ran and ran, As fast as he could. If he would have had the time he would have marveled at the speed of his new metallic prosthetics and the fact he was actually running.

But right now,

There was not time for those thoughts.

Gamzee needed him and the featherbeast was slowly slipping farther and farther away from him.

Panic and doubt was slowly filling him, What if it was too late?

What if he was going to loose track of her?

No, He couldn't think like that. He needed to be confident and strong.

Suddenly, Before Tavros had a chance to react, The beast did a 180 degree turn and disappeared back into the woods...

What?

Tavros stopped in his tacks.

No, This wasn't happening. No.

The situation began to sink in.

He was lost in the woods, Probably far away from Gamzee.

Was this the animal's revenge for not letting it go earlier?

He desperately tried to reach out to the featherbeast again but she ignored him.

Panic.

Tears.

Clenched fists.

No confidence.

Tavros was frozen in his place, His arms were locked in place to his sides.

This was just pathetic.

Crying like a grub just because things looked down.

No, He was better than this. He slowly calmed down.

Then he heard it.

A sound which brought him hope.

It was barely hearable through his rough breath and subduing sobs but it was there.

The sound of waves hitting solid rock.

The sound of the sea.

He followed the sound.

He began running again. He was close, he could feel it.

The distance between the trees grew bigger and bigger. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand, He needed to be strong and confident now.

That meant no tears. Then the forest came to an abrupt end, It was just a few meters of grass to spare between the tree he was standing next to and the cliffs in front of him.

Though he didn't pay much attention to his surroundings, His eyes were immideatly drawn to the black horned figure sitting near the edge.


End file.
